The effects of rumors
by Valentine VanDracula
Summary: one workless afternoon plus the rookie agent of Hellsing results in a whirlwind of rumors involving a certain Vampire and catholic priest can this end well? complete and utter Crack
1. Chapter 1

**The Effects of Rumors**

One lazy afternoon at the Hellsing Mansion there was for once no work everyone doing something to occupy themselves the newest to Hellsing Vincent Grimiore was busying himself on Google, being the self sufficient and curious half-human he was when he didn't understand something he would look for its meaning himself rather then ask others he had been doing so for an hour and was now out of things to look up out of boredom, he typed down 'Alucard' and pressed search button seeing what he would get coming across several results when one caught his eye "Alucard/Anderson? What the hell is this?" he mumbled and clicked the link "what is Yaoi?" he murmured and began reading his eyes getting wider as he read…

Everyone in Hellsing was interrupted by a loud roar of laughter "ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Integra looked up from her seemingly never ending stack of paper work wryly never admitting she was thankful for the distraction and stood walking to the room the laughter was coming from looking down at her newest employee who was curled up on the floor laughing so hard tears were pouring down his face "care to explain Mr. Grimiore?" she said calmly Vincent who was currently trying to breathe pointed to the laptop resting on his table surrounded by notes most of which detailed the most effective ways to kill ghouls and vampires, she ignored the notes and went to read what had caused the uproar from the usually calm dhampir

**Yaoi alert don't like read from actual fanfic belonging to 'A secret Masquerade' I personally liked this fanfic keep up the good work!**

"_Alucard was already partially hard, just from the thought of what was going to happen. With a pause, Anderson moved his hand forward to cup the others member through the cloth of his pants. Alucard let out a deep groan and ground himself into the firm warmth._

_That sound of pleasure is what made the zealot for get all hesitancies and latched onto the smooth neck in front of him. He bit down, harshly enough to draw blood, Alucard moaned loudly. They were both beginning to breathe heavily now._

_Anderson, with his free hand, removed the vampire's shirt. His right hand continued to rub and grope, not pausing until the flesh under it was as hard as his own. Stepping back the tanned man removed his own shirt. He moved back to Alucard, their chests arched toward one another as they felt their erections brush.  
With a shuddering moan Anderson shucked himself of the cumbersome pants and helped Alucard out of his. Identical sounds of pure lust filled the air as heated flesh touched. Anderson raked his nails down the pale chest of the devil, searching out one of the still bleeding wounds. Finding one, he dug his fingers in earning a pleased hiss. Now coated in blood, his digits made their way down to the tight ass pressed against the wall. In one swift move all three were buried deep inside the twisting man_."

Integra tore away with an uncharacteristic shriek of disgust "what in the name of god is this smut! She shrieked Vincent tried to sit up still enduring his laughing fit "it's called a fanfic sir Hellsing" he said oblivious to the whirlwind this would start…

**End of chapter one**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

Integra was for once deeply disturbed there were countless of these 'fanfics' as Vincent called them and not just on Alucard and Anderson there were ones with Seras, Walter, Pip, even her and Vincent while some humorous or were poems most were basically porn her eye twitched slightly "why is there so much sex in these?" she asked Vincent looked up from his book "maybe they're not getting any" he offered before smirking she sighed "and why does everyone seem to think I'm a lesbian!" she growled Vincent coughed to hide his laughter a bullet through the skull wasn't worth the potential burn "no idea ma'am" he said she glared so he quickly changed the subject "move please" he said typing away at the laptop "what are you doing?" she questioned "sending the link to Stanley he'll shit when he sees this!" he said laughing quietly..

**Chapter two End.**

**Hi Everybody! How ya'll doing now before you send fan mail hate mail and/or flames listen I got nothing against fanfic writers or yaoi authors I'd be a hypocrite if I did it was an idea of a friend who helped design Vincent gave me cause I've always kind of portrayed him as a smart ass. If I offended anyone I didn't mean to I'm sorry so please spare me the flames if you do send flames I will give a two strikes you're out rule a warning then your blocked the way I see it if my stories offend you so much you don't need to be reading them I know it's a short chapter but right now I'm setting the mood thank you! I don't own Hellsing or Hellsing characters the only thing I own is this craptastic fanfic, Vincent, and Stanley.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter three**

_Iscariot organization _Stanley sighed softly as he checked his computer when one email caught his interest:

_1New Message!_

_From: GrimDarko667_

_Subject: this explains why Anderson doesn't molest choir boys! XD_

Stanley smiled and clicked the accompanying link reading before grabbing the pillow muffling his laughter after he could stop he replied

_Gamefreak411: where did you find this? _

_GrimDarko667: Google ^_^ think any truth's behind it?_

_Gamefreak411: maybe they do like to fight.._

_GrimDarko667: must be their version of foreplay_

_GameFreak411: I gotta show someone this! Later!_

Stanley logged off and grabbed and printed the stories off making many copies and sticking one under everyone's door "I maybe a priest now but even now I can't resist a good prank!" Stanley thought grinning mischievously…

_3 weeks later…_

The little stunt pulled by the joker priest of Iscariot had resulted in rumors spreading faster then the Twilight epidemic now everyone assumed the trump card of Iscariot and Hellsing were a couple including a majority of both organizations workers Anderson was the angriest of all Alucard had just laughed it off until Vincent showed him fanfics where he was the submissive then he became both began a search for the authors their doom was imminent…

**I know it's slow as molasses the next chapter will be better I swear! if you wanna be on the list of authors Alucard and Anderson go after email me tell me your names what species you wanna be and any powers you wanna have simple as that! Maybe you'll get a role**


	4. Chapter 4 Froggy Comics Part one

**Chapter four**

"Froggycomics?" Anderson said looking at the list wryly "the 'eathen authors 'ave very odd names" he said stuffing the list into his trench coat and heading in bayonets drawn a girl with blonde hair sat at a computer typing quickly large Cheshire grin in place Anderson tossed his bayonets only for the target to disappear at the last moment and reappear behind him cackling "you think I didn't know your were coming?" she asked grin still in place pulling out a large shuriken (sorry I've been playing Final Fantasy seven Yuffie's awesome! XD) and sticking her tongue out "now think you can take me on?" she asked teasingly Anderson growled and lunged before realizing his opponent had done it again only this time she was behind with her shuriken to his throat "looks like you lose already!" she said about to slice only to take a bullet through her head "really Judas Priest you can't handle a single human girl?" Alucard asked smirking "to be fair you can't either" a feminine voice said behind the trump card stood the girl who he had just put a bullet through "I can travel through time I just went back to before you shot me!" she said Alucard glared Anderson laughed "you're one t' talk vampire!" he taunted pulling out more bayonets "where do you pull those out of?" Alucard asked jokingly Anderson ignored and got ready before attacking

"_Looks like the two have gone rogue we can't have that"…_

**Chapter four end**

**The battle of Froggycomics part one everybody! Thank ya for the encouragement part two will be up when I get around to it I'll try to be quick with since I know how much of a pain it is to wait for an author to update not sure where this story will end but the way it's flowin' I'd say it'll be some kinda pseudo Kill Bill crap if that's the case I'll need a big five I call number one slot since I am the author but you guys can call the 2-5 slots just email me with who you are what powers you want (no overkill abilities please if it ain't possible in the Hellsing you don't get it ) and why you deserve the slot over others dogging the other candidates will not be tolerated! Thank you**


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter Five**

Vincent sat on the ledge of the building boredly swinging his legs when he heard an explosion and sat up watching as Alucard and Anderson took aim at a blonde girl with a large shuriken "well this is better then waiting for ghouls to attack I wish I could get some popcorn" He said Stanley laughed "say Vin is this smart? Pointing out the fanfic authors? The number one ain't gonna be too happy" Stanley said Vincent scoffed still watching "she'll be grateful! What have the big five been doin' up 'till now? Biding their time with fanfics trying to fight writers block I'm sure they'll be thankful for some excitement maybe it'll even get rid of the writers block!" Vincent said…

Anderson was getting more frustrated by the second every time he attacked she'd disappear and reappear Alucard wasn't doing too well either he kept taking hit from that big shuriken finally this wasn't going too well…

**Chapter Five end**


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